FA Magazine December 2023 | Page 18

them above me . Because I wasn ’ t comparing myself on humanness , I wasn ’ t intimidated by those conversations .

On the other hand , I want to be liked . That has cost me when I avoid crucial conversations , become oversensitive to perceived slights , and at times lose who I am to preserve unhealthy relationships . It sometimes means I ’ ve held on to clients who aren ’ t good for our firm .

I still want to be invited to everything and go to nothing . Even though I appear outgoing , I tend to dislike being in big groups and am generally far happier curling up at home with a book or watching a sporting event or a show with my wife . Wanting to be invited comes from wanting to feel liked .

This is my own version of stinking thinking .

So how can I develop competencies ? How can I accept that some people will like me , some won ’ t , and become more comfortable with that ? This is a muscle that I have been working on my whole life , and while it has become stronger , it is far from overdeveloped ! That ’ s Rohr ’ s point . Our habits always influence our day-to-day lives .

What are some other ways this kind of thinking hinders us ? Where does our own stinking thinking show up and how can we be aware of it ?

Perhaps it ’ s in the way we solve problems . Maybe when a client is expressing distress , we ’ re moving too quickly to solutions and not listening . Maybe we ’ re not comfortable with others in their discomfort and feel the need to talk , to solve . Maybe we need to develop competencies there , too — and help people find their own answers rather than giving them ours .

What else does stinking thinking do ? Does it lead you to blaming rather than acceptance ? If something goes wrong with a client , for example , even if I was not directly involved , I have to own it . A client doesn ’ t care why something happened ; they usually just want it fixed and to understand how it can be avoided in the future .

The wrong response can lead us to try

We face complex questions for our businesses and our clients . The answers to those questions could be compromised by our stinking thinking , as well as that of our clients .

to explain why something went the way it did rather than make a real apology . I remember when my property casualty insurance was up for renewal . I noticed some things were missed , and I expected an annual review . When I let my agent know that I was moving the account for a lack of service , he told me that his assistant should have contacted me . While that may be the case , I hired him , so I expected him to take responsibility for what didn ’ t happen ( and my frustration ) rather than toss his assistant to the wolves . But it was more important for him to defend his work product than to take ownership for what didn ’ t happen . Could he develop greater competence in accepting this ?

Now consider the ways we react to social media . Sometimes we feel bad because something we posted didn ’ t get enough likes . Or we might become envious of something someone posted about themselves . Or , on the other hand , we might feel superior about our own posted accomplishments . But social media is one-dimensional . We ’ re interpreting the way innocuous posts affect our own status . Isn ’ t that crazy ? What competencies could we create to change what we can and accept what we can ’ t ?

The fact that something can make you feel particularly bad ( or good ) means you ’ re allowing others to affect your spirits .

I write a column about money and values for a newspaper . I ’ m careful not to read online comments after publishing a piece because I know my moods will be influenced by what people I don ’ t know have to say about my article . I want to avoid areas where I unnecessarily cause the wrong kind of thinking to surface . I can ’ t fully be competent if I ’ m not being affected , but I can be more competent in choosing how to engage .

So what are some competencies we can develop to manage our own thinking ?

First , when we are feeling bad about something we did or didn ’ t do , we should evaluate the action , but not judge ourselves for it . If we do judge , we ’ re falling into the binary thinking of something being either good or bad . Every day we end up doing something we wish we hadn ’ t done , or not doing things we feel we should have . Maybe it was a small thing like not returning a call or being distracted when someone was talking to us . We shouldn ’ t run from these ideas . Instead we should explore them , forgive ourselves , and move on .

Second , if we are struggling with something , we should sit with it . Play with it . Move it outside of ourselves and observe it . Stinking thinking creates negative feedback loops . But we can break them by cracking them open . The idea is to change how we are viewing things as well as how we view ourselves .

Third , we should embrace our flaws . We all have things that we are working on . We shouldn ’ t pretend we have it all together ; we won ’ t fool ourselves and it will stunt our effectiveness .

If stinking thinking is really the universal addiction , we should remember that addictions are managed , not eliminated . People are multifaceted , and some of those facets serve us better than others . Building competencies to manage our thinking will help us in our practices as well as our lives .

ROSS LEVIN is co-founder of Accredited Investors Wealth Management in Edina , Minn .

16 | FINANCIAL ADVISOR MAGAZINE | DECEMBER 2023 WWW . FA-MAG . COM