FINANCIAL LIFE PLANNING

Mitch Anthony

Are you talking to your clients or talking to yourself ?

N HIS BOOK AMUSING OURSELVES TO DEATH : PUBLIC DISCOURSE IN the Age of Show Business , author Neil Postman writes that human conversation “ has deteriorated to the point that there are no conclusions .”

I think about that when I ponder the question : Why do we so loathe going to meetings ? Is it because so much gets said and so little gets done ? Far too often that is the case . Yet we labor through our discussions and wonder how in the world we survived before the smartphone was invented .

One reason we fail is that sometimes the conversation involves monologuists who pretend they ’ re having a dialogue . While you ’ re trying to get points across , they ’ re speaking to you like they ’ re onstage at an Open Mic Night . I sometimes call these people “ saboteurs ,” since they ’ re keeping a real conversation from happening . ( It might help to consider the Greek roots of the words “ monologue ” and “ dialogue .” Mono means “ one ” while “ dia ” means “ through .”) Monologists enter a conversation only for the purpose of getting their own points across — and can be distinguished by their dominant , argumentative , condescending or droning tones . They didn ’ t come to hear your point ; they want to prove theirs . While it ’ s human nature to defend your own ideas , it ’ s that same nature keeping us from seeing past our own noses .

Dialogists , on the other hand , want to first understand your meaning , then try to merge their point and yours . They are putting together a puzzle , some of whose pieces come from them while the other person supplies the rest . They can only assume to know what the other person ’ s pieces are , and they

While it ’ s human nature to defend your own ideas , it ’ s that same nature keeping us from seeing past our own noses . are working to discover how the pieces might synchronize . When you ’ re talking to someone , are you saying your piece , or putting pieces together ?

When we look at it in this light , we realize that dialoguing is a real skill . Those without it turn into lecturers and find their talks often devolving into fencing matches and jousting contests with other lecturers . When it ’ s taken to the extreme , we can heed Neil Postman ’ s warning about what it does to culture . Where some people have come into groups to listen , many have come to control .

Another way to put this is that monologists advance a personal interest . Dialogists show an interest in persons .

Spot The Saboteurs

I used the word “ saboteurs ” earlier , because what monologuists are doing is undermining communication . They often perceive themselves as actors on a stage — they ’ re primarily concerned with their own lines and with winning approval and attention .

To help you spot them , I ’ ve separated them into categories : entertainers , trumpers and dismissers .

Entertainers I ’ ve further broken this group into subcategories , as follows :

Talk show hosts . These people get energy from the sounds of their own voices . Whenever they try to make a point , it de-

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