volves into soliloquy . They can ’ t stop themselves ; it ’ s simply too soothing to hear .
Headliners . These people view a conversation or a meeting as a stop on their nationwide comedy tour . Obviously , they are talented , witty and a joy to listen to . And they ’ re tolerable companions over drinks when banter is the mode of choice . Why else would they be invited into conversations ? But then they erode communication by insistently bringing attention back to themselves . If they get a laugh , the beast is temporarily sated . And their patter isn ’ t so palatable when the content is vital and results are necessary .
Trumpers
These are the people who like to conquer , and I ’ ve divided them into smaller groups as well :
Sir Edmund Hillarys . These are the people who always have a better story than you , who have climbed higher mountains . “ Jim , that ’ s a great story you told about climbing Mount Kilimanjaro . It reminds me of something that happened to me the fifth time I reached the peak of Everest . I ’ d done it alone and was so exhausted !” The presumption of this kind of person is that his or her experiences are simply more important and instructive than yours .
Psychics . These are the people who always finish your thought for you . They ’ re often impatient , waiting for you to finish , and they think of themselves as psychic interpreters . They believe themselves to be superior thinkers , and they jump in before you can further demonstrate your paucity of intelligence , thereby saving you from yourself — at least in their minds . Or maybe they have simple impulse control problems . Either way , their habit of “ conversatus interruptus ” exasperates everyone involved .
Mercenaries . These people lie in wait in the bush for you to say the wrong thing — make a naïve suggestion or say anything else worthy of pessimism and scorn . They use cynical clichés , such as : “ Where have we heard that one before ?” “ Oh , sure . Yeah , that ’ ll work .” They ’ re never short on poison arrows . Their role
We need authentic participants in our dialogues , people who understand why they are there in the first place , and these people need to know they matter .
requires no intellectual rigor or creativity . These people simply watch the radar for suggestions — and shoot them down like the aliens in Galaga .
Traffic officers . These people are agenda-driven and self-appointed traffic directors . Anyone who attempts to digress from the prearranged agenda will be served with a jaywalking ticket and brought quickly to the agenda format . They usually miss the point of conversation entirely in their efforts to cross an item off the list they ’ ve preplanned .
Dismissers
This group doesn ’ t want to hear from you in the first place . I divide them into two camps :
Ultimate fighters . These people are masters of the laconic and abrupt reply — indicating that , whatever your thought may be , it ’ s not good enough . They have their assumptions and their foregone conclusions ; they may pretend to be interested in your thoughts or ideas , but in reality they ’ re not . They are smarter and more seasoned than you , and their minds are made up before the conversation has even begun . Their only goal in the conversation is to get you to “ tap out .”
Parachutists . These are people who drop into conversations unannounced and uninvited , assuming their input is wanted or needed . They feel strongly about themselves and their input , believing there ’ s a global demand for their opinions on all matters . Keep an eye out for them in nofly zones . ( Also watch out for “ reverse
parachutists ”— those who drop out of the conversation as soon as something becomes uncomfortable for them .)
Maître d ' s . These people might speak with a helpful tone , but they ’ re only there to tell you what you want to hear . They might be courteous in all their dealings with you , but they have no intention of doing anything other than making sure you ’ re happy with your seat and that your coffee cup is full .
The Quest In Questions
Any one of these cast of characters can show up in your conversations — and sabotage the meaningful exchange of ideas .
We need instead authentic participants in our dialogues , people who understand why they are there in the first place , and these people need to know they matter . You ’ re on a quest for discovery with your conversation partner , and that quest should be part of your questions . The need to converge with another person ’ s point of view should also be part of your quest . Conversations need someone willing to go on this quest . That someone can be you .
MITCH ANTHONY is the creator of Life-Centered Planning , the author of 18 books for advisors and their clients , and the co-founder of ROLadvisor . com and LifeCenteredPlanners . com .
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