FINANCIAL LIFE PLANNING

Mitch Anthony

Any good talk with clients should involve their inner story . Don ’ t disregard it .

T ’ S A FRIGID WINTER DAY . YOU GO OUTSIDE TO START YOUR VEHICLE and hear nothing — not a crank , not a turn , not even a whine . You try to flag someone down who might have jumper cables . Fortune smiles at you and someone stops , eager to help . You ’ re relieved that you finally have some assistance , but slightly worried that given the harsh elements , your Good Samaritan could execute sloppily on the task .

Anyone who has jumped a battery knows the risks . There are two points of contact necessary to achieve success . If there is corrosion on a charging post , you will hear lifeless moaning . If the connections get crossed , you hear an explosion or see a fire .

Now consider what happens when you ’ re having a conversation with someone . How often do wires get crossed ? Sometimes people just want to make sure their point of view is understood and can ’ t . Sometimes people are too concerned about navigating through egos and emotions . Far too often in conversation , how a person feels during a discussion is treated as meaningless or trite .

There are two people involved in any discussion , and there ’ s a two-way flow of information , kind of like with the cars ’ batteries . If one of the connections is missed , the discussion is dead on arrival . If the connections are crossed , you have a disaster . But when the right contact is made , the result is a good transfer of energy .

You know what a good exchange feels like when you ’ ve walked away from one : You feel power and energy flowing . Great conversationalists gather more than facts — they feel the driving spirit of the talk .

Inward And Outward

There are two things going on in a good conversation , something on the outside ( the subject being discussed ) and something on the inside ( the feelings being passed back and forth and created ). That means there are two signals at work : An outward signal sending facts , descriptions , agendas and results . And an inward signal that gets the context , symmetry , understanding and empathy . If we could advertise precisely what we are promising to deliver in conversations , it would be both something material (“ You ’ ll get what you need .”) and something intangible (“ I get it . I get you .”)

On the one hand , a good conversation requires us to demonstrate competence and command of the facts . It also lets us show our intent to follow through so that the words lead to some kind of action or progress on people ’ s short or long-term needs . The inward signal , meanwhile , satisfies something more psychologically nourishing and comforting .

I like to use the phrases " in-words ” and “ out-words .” The “ in-words ” refer to what we say to further our internal agenda , whose needs are more visceral . “ Outwords ” refers to what we say as part of the outward agenda , where we need to hear concrete things and see progress being made through some action steps .

We use “ in words ” when we ’ re thinking about these questions :

• “ What is the story here ?”

• “ What is the backdrop of this situation ?”

• “ How does this tie into other issues I ’ m aware of ?”

• “ Whose egos and feelings are on the line ?”

• “ Who is affected by this and how ?”

• “ Am I being heard and respected for my views ?”

“ Out-words ,” meanwhile , are about these questions :

• “ What exactly is the issue here ?”

• “ Who did what ?”

• “ Who wants what ?”

• “ What is at stake ?”

• “ Is this a reasonable request ?”

• “ What will it take to get this done ?” Those conversationalists who are outwardly focused are concerned about what

18 | FINANCIAL ADVISOR MAGAZINE | SEPTEMBER 2024 WWW . FA-MAG . COM