is going to happen after the discussion . They are thinking about actions and seeing a tangible result . You ’ ve likely met people who move straight to the phrase “ What are our next steps ?” They often feel powerful if they ’ re meeting the outward agenda , even if it rubs the other person the wrong way .
Those inwardly focused , on the other hand , might want clarity on an idea if it doesn ’ t feel quite right conceptually . They want to know how well a new idea will jibe with the reality they already know . The inward discussion is the one in which we integrate concepts , navigate emotions and achieve empathy and respect .
Yet the person with the outward agenda often wins pre-eminence in conversations . “ In-words ” are easily discounted by phrases like “ Let ’ s stick to the facts .” If someone is constantly reminding us to do that , they ’ re discounting our sentiments and ideas about things and making our feelings secondary . What they fail to realize is that emotions are facts : What ’ s more real to us than how we feel about certain people or situations ? Not only are our emotions important in situations , but research indicates that focusing on the emotional side of the discussion can help us retain the facts as well .
Consider how much information the human eye picks up in a day . The observer forgets the flowers by the road , the 300 advertisements and the buildings — unless there is an emotion attached to the pictures . Data without emotion doesn ' t register in our long-term memory .
The process that sets those facts into long-lasting memory can be extremely fragile . It ’ s known as “ consolidation ,” and it allows emotions to influence the way memories are stored . The amygdala , the part of our brain associated with fear and aggression , is also critical for visual learning and memory . Furthermore , it ’ s responsible for memory consolidation ( also known as “ memory modulation ,”) the process of transferring information from your “ working ” memory to “ longterm ” memory . Research has shown that the greater your emotional arousal level at the time of an event , the greater the
If you enter conversations to motivate or sway somebody and focus only on the facts , you ’ ll often become frustrated by your inability to persuade .
chance the event will be remembered . Think of the question “ Do you remember where you were ?” when asked about a major event . The emotional impact was so great , you vividly remember details you may not have otherwise .
If you enter conversations to motivate or sway somebody and focus only on the facts , you ’ ll often become frustrated by your inability to persuade . A defining conversation occurs when you touch on both sides of it — factual and emotional — and only then is progress more likely .
In other words : If you insist on sticking to the facts , the facts don ’ t always stick .
Emotional “ facts ” are the reason people leave companies , marriages and friendships . They are why people don ’ t buy into an idea or get excited by it . If we dismiss people ’ s relevant emotions in a matter , we are likely failing to really communicate with them , and it could lead to personal or professional failure as well .
By attending to both the inward and outward aspects of a conversation , on the other hand , we validate the individual and bolster their confidence in the processes we ’ re using for success . We communicate that we get the gist of the conversation — one that is simultaneously factual and emotional in nature .
Commit To Connect
In your next conversation , see if you can commit to making both kinds of connection . Try comprehending both the outward and inward agendas by understanding : ( 1 ) what progress needs to be made , and ( 2 ) the backdrop of the story and emotions that are driving the conversation . Be aware as a listener that the “ outword ” agenda is understood with “ what ,” “ when ,” “ where ” and “ who ” questions , while the “ in-word ” agenda is understood with “ how ,” “ who ” and “ why ” questions .
Great conversations — like great relationships — are the result of proper connections . The difference between an ordinary discussion and a defining conversation is when we can look the other person in the eye and truthfully say , “ I get it . Now , let ’ s get it done .”
MITCH ANTHONY is the creator of Life-Centered Planning , the author of 18 books for advisors and their clients , and the co-founder of ROLadvisor . com and LifeCenteredPlanners . com .
SEPTEMBER 2024 | FINANCIAL ADVISOR MAGAZINE | 19